Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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