I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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