you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
