Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
