They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Randomize
