i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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