She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Randomize
