the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
