i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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