My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
