Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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