Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
