my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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