you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
