he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
i out mim tonsoeep
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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