Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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