I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
