I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
