Will you blow on my dice?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Randomize
