I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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