drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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