He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
