Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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