Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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