Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Randomize
