I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
