Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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