My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
