Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
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Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
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He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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