My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
