so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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