Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
Randomize
