only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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