I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize