I could have mohawked her pubes.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
