haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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