try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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