I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Randomize
