Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
