This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
