turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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