I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
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