come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
