i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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