Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
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I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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