he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
