my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
