if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
