exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
