....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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