today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
where are my eyebrows?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
