just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
