Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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