guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
