you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
