True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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