I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
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He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
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Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.