Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
