Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
