On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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