This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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